When the food is down the feelings come up? OH SHIT!
What a rollercoaster?! The periods of sabotage are coming back quicker than it used to be. But most importantly the feelings are really up in the surface.
Let’s first start from the beginning, last week I went to WW to get weighted but skipped the meeting because work got too busy. Then I “forgot” to track my meals. Sneaky, sneaky! I know.
Well Tuesday was just a doozy. I had a PTSD wave and I have been pretty much in slow motion and angry ever since. I am not angry I am going to bite your head off, I am just purely experiencing anger at a new level. There is a heaviness within my body and uncomfortability regarding the feelings I have towards myself and my eating disorder. I feel sad, angry and powerless. I know I am my own worst enemy. Most importantly I know I have used food for many decades to numbed out these extremely uncomfortable feelings.
Thank Goddess for therapy, journaling, friends, OA meetings, social activities to go to, my bedroom which is my sanctuary. So it has been a place of exploration and acceptance that things will be different. I am not fighting the feelings nor trying to make them go away faster. Nope this time around I am looking at anger as my guru.
Anger is teaching me that there is a little girl who is still hurt because she felt she didn’t belong, that believes the lie that she is incapable of having a healthy relationship with her body. My actions supports these belief by periods of sabotage, restriction, obsession around food, and complete denial about my food issues. For today my only task is to observed and taking loving, healthy abundant nourishing actions.
NOTE: I have not gotten myself on the scale yet. I am committing going to a WW meeting and weight in tomorrow after work with the old WW leader that I enjoyed 5 years ago.
Game Plan for this week!
- Back track the food that I consumed last week so I get an idea in paper what it looks like
- Bring 3 days out of 5 lunch
- Treat myself with something non- food related. I may be heading to Lush for that and get some seasonal goodies
- Continue to eat-in as much as possible.