Why did I purge? Numb

I haven’t purged in about 4 and 1/2 years! Woohoo!  But I remember clearly the moments that triggered those aggressive periods of purging 10 times while popping in 5 or 6 laxatives to get rid of everything.  I thought it was the food that I was trying to get rid of, the body I was working so hard to attain.

The reality was very different, I purged because I wanted to hide my anger. I purged and abused laxatives because I wanted so bad to numb these feelings that I don’t belong. I would hurt myself to point of almost death out of fear that if you saw what I see for myself you would run away and leave me alone. Most importantly, I was so angry at myself that I couldn’t control you and your emotions, what you thought about me.

Why the heck am I sharing these? Because luckily I have learned that this process is far from linear. The old feelings no matter how many years I numbed them out they will come back to surface. 

Lately I have been struggling with digestive issues which I carefully ignored. I blamed myself for creating them. I tried to treat them as just merely accidents. The reality is probably different. I need to go to the Dr and get a physical, full body check as well as go to a few specialist with a list of questions and tests from Crohns/IBS  to PCOS and Thyroid issues. This is indeed extreme self-care.

The old thought patterns are coming up with the fear that my needs are not going to be met, that I am truly damaged goods, that I am not worthy of self-care. Once those thoughts are activated, well the feelings that I once numbed out become heavy and shocking into my system.

Yesterday I had a historical reaction to something that may seem like not a big deal. It hit me like a TON of bricks. I was reminded what it was like the first of many PTSD episodes. You feel out of your body with this uncontrollable wave of emotions. The tears start to pour in and you can’t stop them.  You feel insane yet you can’t explain what is going on. You have done your best to keep everything together yet one small piece can make me fall apart without warning and everything crashes down.

Thank goodness for the support system in place. I emailed my therapist who kindly replied back with a specific reminders such as being gentle. I noticed that this time around I practice compassion to myself, I made amends when I needed to make them, I face the issues that I needed to face. I asked to go home and sleep for 12 hours straight. I allowed myself to have to space to feel all of it.

Here I am day later, recovering the pieces. I am moving slowly. I am celebrating that I didn’t go back to the old purging behavior. I am celebrating the lessons on how far I have come. I am celebrating that I have the freedom to take time off to get rest.

I don’t have much energy to give as I shared to a friend. Thank goodness for the reminder to just stop and rest.