Courtesans Diaries: Sin Bigger Sins

First off, as I hinted earlier this is a very special guest post for Joyful Shimmy.  I am beyond excited to introduce you my gorgeous fairy Godmother  who once upon a time showed me how to fall in love with myself one shimmy and wink at a time.  Kitty has completely rocked my world upside down.  Please go ahead and enjoy this amazing post! xoxox Laura
I grew up a good Catholic girl. Not just any good Catholic girl. Like, children’s bible never left my side kind of good Catholic girl. I perfected my prayers like a ballerina would practice pirouettes. I loved Lent, sacrifice, suffering for others.  At age 7, I thought my life included two possible costume future options: a nun’s habit, or Mom jeans. But here I sit, age 31, sporting a mini skirt in this thick July heat. I make my living teaching women about the sacredness and spirituality of seduction. I have so much fun and joy in my life, you could almost call it sinful.
My parents were the somewhat progressive, guitar mass kind of Catholics.  Church and religion was one of the only places where I felt like I was part of the “in” crowd.  With a set of rules I could follow, I had a formula for living a good, worthy, life. I could go to Church, say the prayers, kneel on the kneelers while keeping my butt off the seat, and it all meant I was doing things “right”.
After learning a prayer called the Act of Contrition, I remember reciting these words: “I firmly intend, with God’s help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin.” Those were the words my lips spoke. Meanwhile my head was screaming, “But I like sinning! Sinning is the only time I have any fun! I’ll die if I can’t sin!”
Imagine my 7-year old surprise when I was suddenly met with the conflict of enjoying the act of sin. Masturbation, practicing making out with the wall, yelling back at my parents when I got mad, sneaking cookies from the cookie jar; these were just some of the things that I knew I couldn’t live with, but also knew I couldn’t live without.
As I got older the stakes got higher. Making out with my hand became making out with boys. Yelling at my parents became staying out until 3am without calling.  The cookie jar – a drink or a joint at a party. For a long time I would beat myself up for all the sins I had committed in my life, all the mistakes I made. Looking back now, I feel no need for forgiveness. I’ve realized that every “sin” I’ve ever committed was simply me following my curiosity towards what felt good. (Which ironically is when I would find myself feeling closest to what we all call God.)

When I learned about sin it felt like someone was standing 30 feet away from the edge of a cliff saying “here is the edge, so do not go beyond this point”. My sins were a way of finding out for myself just where that edge really was.  Sometimes, I had to go right up to the edge, where I could hear the echo of pebbles bouncing down the canyon as they shifted under my feet. Sometimes it meant getting a running start and swan diving straight into the heart of darkness that lay in the crevasse below. All these experiments led to some truly gorgeous war wounds, as well as a collection of the most beautiful, mystical, alive moments of my life.
Today, I feel just as close to God as I did when I was 7. Where there used to be an image of a man in a white robe wagging his finger and shaking his head, there now lives a wrinkly, old Vegas showgirl, still in her costume, rockin’ it even harder than she did in her so-called prime. She wags her finger at me too. But instead of saying don’t you dare, she narrows her eyes as she lights her cigarette shouting, “What the hell are you waiting for?”
Kitty Cavalier is the  Headmistress of Kitty Cavalier’s School of Charm and Cheek.  Her motto is  “Teaching the masses to love their asses, and every other delicious inch.”  She teaches Qoya every Tuesday night at 7-8pm in 135 W29th St #603.
If you are ready to take things to the next level, then sign up today to Seduction as a Spiritual Practice. TRUST ME this is worth the investment :)