I know it’s been a hot minute since we’ve last chat.
It’s been a few months of changes, new beginnings and an opportunity to focus on myself.
For four years, I have been chasing figuring out who I was in relationship to this blog, my professional and personal identity.The chasing, the constant need to be “busy” served as a distraction from going inward. I’ve invested time, energy that never satiated the feeling “I am good enough.”
In the process of searching the right “fix,” I lost myself. I lost my voice. I lost the “why” I am here.
Instead of hiring yet another coach, buying another program or excavate a few layers further of what was wrong with me. I decided to shift my focus inward.
What would it be like if I just allow things to be.
If I give myself permission not to write blog posts, newsletter posts, update my offerings, take on more clients, etc.What would happen if I remove the oughts, the shoulds and the must do?? What if I just do the things that feel good and leave the rest to be taken cared of at its own time?
Would my world fall apart? Would the emptiness of lack of purpose/follow your passion/meaning create a huge rabbit hole that will lead me to the land of depression?
Guess what the world didn’t fall apart.
Over the process of weeks and now months, I noticed that my life continue to be in a stable place. I was no longer running away from myself. I was actually enjoying my own company.
The “bridge job” that I picked up in June has provided me the stability and abundance of choices to make that supported my values and desires. I didn’t lose nor gain a new identity. The job became just a grounding habit, a choice that for today I choose to make to be in a stable space in my life.
I continue to bring in revenue in my business with my hovering. Clients continue to pop in as needed. The biggest shift was the ability to say YES to projects that once upon a time would intimidate me while saying NO to the things that are no longer in alignment. It is not always easy but it’s manageable.
Finally, in this empty space I allowed myself to feel at peace, contentment and joy. I had nothing else to fix, ruminate, ponder upon, I can just let things be. I can step aside from my ego and allow for the space to fully unfold itself.
As someone who has addictive personality tendencies and struggles with anxiety, the lack of drama felt foreign and strange yet soothing. I was able to have the space to bring in new tools, habits and loving actions towards myself. The way I get to approach life today is from a place of love and acceptance. It’s from a place of letting other see who I am and what I can bring in to the table.
Do I know what the future holds? To honest, not at all.
What I know for sure if that I want this paradigm shift to continue sticking therefore I will continue a day at a time to shift my focus back to love as opposed to fear. To continue taking responsibility for my life and embrace stability, acceptance, compassion and surrender as key ingredients in my life.
p.s. My game plan is to be on a bit of hiatus until January 2015. I may continue to pop here and there and write posts + newsletter, etc.
p.p.s. It seems that Fall is a time for traveling for me. I’ve visited DC in September and Disney World in October for Epcot’s Food and Wine Festival. I have a few other trips planned ahead along with some intentional staycations in the NYC area.
If you have any comment, idea, or want to share with me your own experience, strength and hope around this topic. Feel free to shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org