Life in a bottom

I am no stranger to what its like to live in a rock bottom. It can be a place of shame, darkness, isolation and self-hatred.

My rock bottoms have lead me to at times making irrational decisions that were on the verge of  deadly.  I engaged in risky, addictive behaviors. I lived in a constant state of fear and deprivation.  I stayed in jobs and relationships that I felt walked all over. I people pleased and gossip as a way to deter attention from myself into others.  I faked always being happy out of fear of becoming a “Debbie Downer” to my so-called “friends.” Most of the times, I fully isolated myself from friends, family and loved ones in the true darkness because I didn’t know any better.

Life in a bottom can feel that there is no other way out.  The darkness is truly so dark that you cannot see the light whether is far away in our path.  Yet the moment we stop digging the bottom. Yes we have a choice to stop digging, stop fighting and pretending its going to be ok. We get honest and ask for help whether is to the divine, to a mentor, a friend, a therapist, confidant, a coach, etc. We stop being a victim from our bottom and become an agent for change.


As I look back at my own personal bottoms whether it was in romantic relationships, friendships, eating disorder, deprivation, career, burnout, etc. I can see that each experience provided a lesson in my own growth.  It has provided an opportunity to learn a new way of living, to adopt a new path in my own life, to take on different experience, to live more fearlessly.

The beauty of learning and growing from each bottom is that it gets easier to manage the process of getting out with dignity and grace. The first 1000 times I will be honest I was a kid throwing a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming, demanding to get out of this place RIGHT at that moment. However my practice of daily self-care, a strong spiritual practice and safe communities that I could be my authentic self well I have moved way from the kicking and screaming to just calmness in the process of surrendering. There has been some healing tears yet I am taking actions around.

I write this post as I am in my own bottom in an area that I will probably share more about in a few month’s, just not today. This is a personal reminder that life in the bottom although it may suck its were the MAGIC happens. At the end of the day, this will be an opportunity to be of service to others.