Over the past months as you know I have been facing a lot of old demons from depression, bulimia, using food and toxic relationships to numb things out, and the same old negative belief system. As life got incredibly bigger, my ego got in the way. I stopped taking care of my needs, listening to that loving intuitive voice. Inevitably I stopped loving myself.
I stopped accepting my reality as it is because I wished I had more money, skinnier body, romance, less work more play, a guiding purpose or divine direction. Here is the thing there is nothing wrong with having desires, the point is to surrendering them to a higher being/power and trust that we are being carried through and all of our needs are met.
Back to the stopped loving myself part. It started with skipping classes, doing things that would be nourishing for my soul, and slowly the way I spoke to myself started to shift. It started with innocuous statements that slowly progressed into downright negative, abusive self-talk. With that it opened the door for other “fun” obsessions such as restriction and deprivation, needless to say a month ago I was thisclose to hit a hardcore relapse (btw the last time I relapse 4 years ago I became suicidal within an hour). Thank Goodness for the divine intervention.
That Intuitive Whisper shouted at me in the form of various loving forces that said the same thing over and over. Laura I love you, I love you. The reminder that I have done my fair amount of research in those old patterns and well this is an opportunity to do research in other places. The fact that I needed to practice love and compassion with myself was humbling. Here I was back in square one with a new level of willingness.
Needless to say, this recovery has not being an overnight process. As I started to take stock in the events that lead to this place I realized that I needed a break from figuring shit out and spend time doing nothing. To accept that I am in a place just facing my demons and that the only way I would be able to get rid of them is not by beating the shit out of them again and again because guess what the only person who gets hurt is myself.
As I was sitting yesterday holding space in Bodylove Meditation, I heard the words “I love you (tummy), it’s not your fault.” Yup this mantra sums up the process of recovery:
I love you body, it’s not your fault
I love you chubby young me, it’s not your fault
I love you inner child, it’s not your fault
I love you thighs, it is not your fault
I love you tummy, it’s not your fault
I fucking love you body, it’s not your fault
I love you eating disorder/depression, you are my teachers, and it is not your fault
I love you double digit sizes, it’s not your fault
I love you Laura, it’s not your fault
I love you!
Thank you for reading this post, holding space for me in this process. I would love to hear from you when it comes to ways in which you demonstrate loving yourself. Feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email!