I have been in recovery for 5 years. Yup, it feels just like yesterday when I stop digging my bottom and ask for help.
5 years ago…
My life consisted of identifying the perfect diet that would make me lose the weight that was slowly creeping up in my body. I remember signing up to Weight Watchers as the last resort if I know what my number was I would stop binging and purging. Unfortunately, that didn’t happened as I started to go back purging 6 to 8 times per day. I was taking Adipex to curb my appetite but my mind was so strong that nothing worked.
My life was empty. I was running away from everything. I was breaking apart.
Thank goodness I asked for help. I remember my therapist saying you need to go to OA. In my head that is for fat people and I am bulimic (proudly). How is that going to stop me from purging?
My first OA meeting I heard that there was a solution. That people were living without purging and most importantly they were living lives beyond my own wildest dreams.
I stopped purging and got honest with my food. In the process I stop binging because I knew that sitting with my food would be the most uncomfortable act I can do with myself. I learned to ask for help.
I discovered in the process that I was a compulsive restrictor. I lived off trying the perfect diet food, managing the ideal food ritual as a way to avoid living life. The healing came in when I started to let go of the fake foods and started to eat real food. I manage to make peace with my food. I learned that my food plan is not my abstinence nor my source of happiness.
Where I am today?
I have a solid emotional and spiritual recovery. I broke through old beliefs and barriers. I have learned that I can handle feeling the feelings. I am strong enough to do it. I exercise on a regular basis. I know what foods to eat for nutrition and energy. Yet I also know when to ask for help.
I want to focus on releasing the extra weight that for so long has kept me from living a big life. It is time to let go of the belief that I will always be a fat recovering bulimic. As I faced the scale today to the highest number I have ever seen, I realized that I can celebrate the greatest victory of all. This number doesn’t define my happiness. This number is just merely a guidepost/anchor from where I can track the record.